I truly cannot believe how fast time has gone by, it seems like yesterday when we were at our freshman orientation meeting. Now our days and nights are consumed with college paperwork, graduation things, and homework. My days lately are also consumed with a mixed bag of emotions, joy, hope, gratitude, and worse of all sadness and fear.
The only way to really sum it up is.... Senior year is a bittersweet year! You are happy, relieved and grateful when they get accepted into the college of their choice, but then sad they are leaving the nest. For me not only am I sad, I am scared. I know a lot of you may not understand this but I do know my CMT parents will totally get it. What happens if the disease progresses again? Will he be able to walk the campus? How will his pain affect him? What if his diaphragm gets worse? I can go on and on. My biggest fear is the disease will progress and he is all alone.
As a mother of a child with a neuromuscular disease, you never know when the "bad" days are going to happen. When the pain is so bad they simply cannot move out of the bed or chair they are in. When they are so tired they just can't keep walking or just need some rest. Who is going to rub his legs or make sure he is taking his medication or using his bipap machine? Make him hot cocoa when he is having a bad day?
So many questions and no answers.....Again, Momma Hayes needs to let go. I am not in control, He is. As Carter seems to be pointing out to me more and more. .I guess thinking about it now, I do know that he is never alone because he walks with God everyday. Our Heavenly Father will walk this new path with him, hold his hand through the bumpy road ahead and lay His hand on Carter when he needs strength.
Why do I worry so? Why do I doubt my faith sometimes? Why do I still loose sleep thinking did I teach him everything he needs to know? Well that's simple...NO! I know a lot of you are going to think I am even crazier than I already am but I have started a list of things to teach him or life lessons to share. Things NOT to do! I try to tick at least one off a day....yeah maybe one off every couple of days. Things like how to tie a tie, how to never mix whites and colors, how to balance a bank account and how not to make the same mistakes I did! Such a fine line to walk, you want them to have fun at college but you also don't want them make major mistakes.
I had coffee yesterday with one of my girlfriends and her son is a senior as well. We were talking about how it seems like yesterday that we were freshman moms, thinking oh we have 4 more years.....No problem that's plenty of time. How you blink an eye and they are 18 and leaving us. How so badly I want to rewind and hold onto every single moment. Tears start flowing as we reminisce and I think to myself I wish I would have cherished the time with him more. I can't go back.....
I am proud of the young man he has become, I am so very grateful to have him as my son. Does he know how very much I love him? Does he know that when he leaves I will be happy, proud and sad all at once. He is my guardian angel, that I have no doubt about. Carter, I love you more than you will ever know. I fall in love with you more and more as time goes by. I am so proud of the way you have handled everything in your life. You are inspiring. You teach me how to have courage. You make me want to be the best mom I can be. I LOVE YOU BUDDY!
Cherish you kids, don't let life get in the way. Laugh often, don't sweat the small stuff, cuddle, hug them, pray over and for them, tell them you love them, take lots of pictures, turn off the electronics and just talk to them, listen to them (quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger-James 1:19), live in the moment and make sure to tell them how proud of them you are.
Until next time......................"When I am afraid, I will trust in you" Psalm 56:3
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