As I write this today my heart is aching, I just feel overwhelmingly sad today. Not sure why, I just do. I go through these bursts of crying, uncontrollable crying. I seem to be having these moments more and more lately. God and I have been working through some stuff lately. One of them is letting go and the other is not to worry about the future but to live in the present. A lot easier said than done. Right? I think a lot of this uneasiness has to do with the fact that Carter is leaving for college soon and I am scared. Maybe its because over these last 4 months his disease, this horrible rotten disease is taking over. It consumes me. It terrifies me. I want this horrible rotten no good disease to go away! I just want it to stop! Please God make it stop!
" Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and He will say: Here I am." Isaiah 58:9
Rewind 4 months. October 2013 Carter really starts to complain of chest pain. He used to complain about it here and there, like when he ran cross country it would happen every now and then. But in late Oct it started to happen weekly. He said he felt like he couldn't get enough air, had sharp shooting pains in his chest, couldn't expand his chest and more fatigued. It was happening often enough that he felt like we needed to see someone about it. So, we began calling doctors and doing research. In November, after seeing a primary, a second opinion, a cardio, a neuro and a pulmonologist we found out the disease had progressed to his diaphragm. YEP you heard correct it spread to his diaphragm, you know that thing that you need to BREATH!!!! Now do you see why Momma Hayes is so distraught. Why I have my days when all I want to do is cry.
Psalm 56:3"When I am afraid, I will trust in you."
Fast forward to the present. Today I had to drive up to Marcus and give him a pain pill. Yesterday I had to watch my son endure pain, trouble breathing and almost pass out in Church. I had to literally put my hand on his back and make sure he did not topple over. As I placed my hand on Carter's back, tears flowing down my face, I asked God for his healing. I asked Him to protect Carter. To keep him strong. After church as we were talking with friends, he said "Mom you need to let go of the past and stop worrying about the future." "I am at peace with my disease and God will never give me more than I can handle." Once again, he looks at the glass 1/2 full, not 1/2 empty. When we get home he reminds me of the essay he wrote earlier in the week for a scholarship. In his conclusion he wrote:
"I have been handed a progressive, incurable disease but I see this disease as a gift in a way. This disease I believe is meant to help keep my strong, along with the people I care about. I believe it is meant to help guide me along the set path The Lord has planned for me and bring me closer to Him. I will always try my best, never give up, always be confident and competitive, never let anyone stand in my way or let anyone or anything bring me down or stop me. Life is a glass half full, I believe your spiritual life and God will fill the rest of the cup. You start off in this world with a cup half full and you decide if the cup ever gets filled to the top." Carter Hayes
Sometimes as a parent instead of you being the teacher, your kids end up teaching you a thing or two. As of lately, I hate to say it but I think Carter is teaching me more than I him. I used to be the one telling him God will never forsake you, He is faithful to you and His love is never ending. Stay strong, don't give up and fight! Now he reminds me of these things. He is reminding me to always, always look at the cup half full and not half empty. He is teaching me that my cup can be filled up to the top and overflowing if I decide to let God do so.
So as tears flow down my cheek today I am reminded that my cup is 1/2 full and I want to fill it up. That it's O.K. to have days like this BUT I need to let go and not worry about the future. Carter is strong and is at peace with his disease, so I need to be strong and at peace with his disease too.
Until Next Time........Momma Hayes
"Stay Strong, Believe" ~ Carter Hayes
